Alien Abductions Incorporated  >>  Corporate Blog

An aspiring author asked us:

Dear Sirs/Madams,

I have written a full-length book on my encounter with aliens. Can you tell me where I can send my manuscript for publication?

We are sorry to have to tell you this, but the U.S. publishing industry is virtually bankrupt. They simply can’t afford to produce any books that don’t feature the dark secrets of small towns in Maine, young southern lawyers, or Modern Science Run Amok.

Not to worry, though, as your book would almost certainly have been suppressed by the World Government, which (of course) has a vested interest in keeping stories like yours from becoming public knowledge.

The best advice that we can offer is to try selling it to small publishing houses that specialize in topics that fall outside the mainstream. As a rule, they don’t really expect to make any money anyway.

We wish you the best of luck in your endeavor.

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

J.H. asks us:

Saw your website, I’m an alien and I think these humans abducted me and put me in this 5×5 cube and made me program in C all day… Can you get me out of here and back to Rigel 5 where I belong??

Dear J.H. -

We’re pleased to hear that your AAI Abduction Experience (Custom Implantation) is going so well! Making the jump from “abductee” to “alien trapped in a human body” was a challenging one for our scenario designers, but it appears that it was well worth the effort.

It is important to remember at this point that you insisted on the 5×5 cubicle and C programming elements of your AAI AE(CI), and that however you may feel about them now they do have a positive influence on later elements.

At any rate, sub-heading G2 of your Abduction Experience should begin soon, and we all know how much you were looking forward to that! We hope you enjoy the rest of your Abduction Experience, and remember—studies show that your experience may be enhanced by the purchase of AAI promotional products!

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

K.R.S of Van Wert, OH asks us:

Can I have one of my cats abducted? Rocky and Yum Yum are okay cats, but Ali Qat has been a floor pooper from the word go. Lately she’s abandoned using the basement floor in favor of the upstairs carpet. I feel that an abduction experience might convince her to return to using the basement floor as the pooping place of choice. (I harbor no hope that she will ever use a litter box for solid waste.)

K.R.S. -

For the record, Alien Abductions Incorporated does not now and has not at any time in the past condoned the testing or use of any of our proprietary techniques or procedures on animals. Such practices would be morally indefensible, and would also be unlikely to provide any useful data regarding human reactions to scenario implantation. Furthermore, the differences in neuronal periodicity between species would make creating an Abduction Experience scenario for non-human use extremely difficult, and certainly make such a scenario unstable in its final implementation.

To be clear, our settlements of certain legal actions were in no way an acknowledgment of wrongdoing (regardless of representations made in the mainstream media), but rather an effort to allow both our customers and our legal team to focus on more important issues.

As for your specific problem, while type-R (instrumental) conditioning is not generally recognized to be effective when applied to cats, it would appear that at this point you have little to lose by making the effort—any change at all that you can effect in Ali Qat’s behavior is likely to be an improvement.

Good luck!

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

Gary asks us:

I was surfing the net last week when I happened upon your site; intrigued, I chose to investigate. When I saw your Abductilizer [sic] I jumped at the chance of such an experience but I was disappointed to find out that I only received a score of 4.15 and that you believed that I thought you were part of the conspiracy. Could this have anything to do with me being British?

Well despite my let down, I’m back to prove to you that I want to embrace your trust–however, I’m not sure if I actually want any memories implanted yet. Anyway, here’s my question: as I have no doubts that you have actually seen aliens, I would like to know if there are any aliens out there that are literally little green men?

You are a remarkably perceptive individual, Gary!

As a matter of fact, your Personal Abduction Analysis Factor (as calculated by the Abductalizer On-Line Interface) may very well have something to do with you being British!

During an on-site, full-spectrum Abductalizer session, the equipment is adjusted over a period of several hours to compensate for the cultural, ethno-political, and socio-economic characteristics of the subject. In developing the Abductalizer On-Line Interface, however, we discovered that both the number of questions required and the amount of processing time involved in reproducing this process were prohibitive. Hence, the Abductalizer On-Line Interface is not 100% accurate, and yours may have been one of the very small number of inaccurate readings.

On the other hand, perhaps your PAAF was correct, and you are just not being honest with yourself about your innermost beliefs…

As for your other question: we here at AAI feel that any chromatitypical data that we may have accumulated about extraterrestrial life forms is really beside the point. Our goal is not to burden customers with all of our our knowledge, but rather to use that knowledge to provide our customers with the Abduction Experiences that best meet their individual needs.

If you do decide to further explore the possibility of an Abduction Experience—or if you just have more questions—we hope that you’ll contact us again!

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

Leigh asks us:

Hello, my name is Leigh and I was wondering if there is any truth to the x-files? I loved the show, and everything about it! I was wondering if any of the topics are real life stories?

To provide you with a complete and accurate answer to your question, Leigh, we thought it best to consult one of our contacts at the FBI. She reported to us that the majority of her time is spent investigating health care fraud, and that she “would never hear anything about aliens or conspiracies unless they intended to defraud Medicare.” She pointed out that most Special Agents are “basically just lawyers or accountants with carry permits,” and then offered to mail us some brochures explaining the role of the FBI in today’s society.

Two days later, three of our Urban Field Offices were burglarized. The only items taken were computer hard drives and file printouts. Local law enforcement has informed us that they believe that these burglaries were part of a series of such crimes committed by a major organized crime family. The investigation is being conducted by the FBI. The FBI says they’ll let us know as soon as they have any answers for us.

Thanks a lot for your question, Leigh.

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

J.F asks us:

Just curious, how do you guys make money?

An excellent question, J.F., and one that comes up more frequently than you might think!

“With all the money that you clearly put into research and development,” our customers ask, “and the very reasonable rates that you charge for your outstanding products and services, how can you afford to stay in business? Why, now you even provide free on-line access to the Abductalizer!”

Well, our first concern must always be ensuring that our higly advanced techniques and technologies are always used responsibly. While AAI has received numerous funding offers from both public and private entities, we feel that is currently in the best interests of the general public for us to operate without obligation to anyone but our customers!

And while (as many of you have suggested) we have considered taking Alien Abductions Incorporated public, that is a step that we are not quite ready to take—but watch our corporate blog and news page in coming months for more on that subject…

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

Chris S. asks us:

Will the T-shirt protect me from the Scanner Rays???

No, Chris, nothing can protect you from the Scanner Rays.

Keep an eye on our corporate blog and special offers pages, though: we periodically offer packaging specials on t-shirt purchases, including special protective coverings that prevent the Postal Service scanners from identifying your purchase and logging it in their database.

This covering can be recycled into headgear that may aid in deflecting scanner rays, brain scans, satellite photography, and other unwanted intrusions on your privacy.

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

M.S. asks us:

Good Morning!

I watched a movie last night in which a man searches the net for information on alien abductions. I began surfing this morning for entertainment and found your site. I have to tell you that I have laughed out loud reading this drivel. Are you people for real and are you actually making money off this trash? It is amazing to me that you could actually advertise “implanting” a memory of an alien abduction.

Thanks for the laugh. I will chuckle all day!

Dear M.S. -

Because the nature of the human mind is central to the primary business of AAI, our staff includes numerous psychiatrists and psychologists. These individuals are respected, highly qualified professionals, and as such are naturally loath to base a psychiatric evaluation on a single, short, written communication.

That fact notwithstanding, we feel compelled to tell you that all of these individuals—without exception—expressed concern at the degree of thinly-veiled hostility that appears to lurk beneath the surface of your letter of thanks.

It is not our place to judge, however, so let us just say that we are pleased to have made a positive impact in your life. We trust that the memory of your experience with Alien Abductions Incorporated will continue to bring you pleasure for some time to come!

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

Richard H. asks us:

I was curious as to how you overcome the memories of purchasing the abduction? Are they erased, and if so, how do you handle your billing? Or, are they somehow worked into the abduction experience?

Good question, Richard!

While we could simply cause customers to forget their contact with us and “overlook” the charge on their credit card or change in their bank balance, this sort of repression takes a great deal of work to accomplish and can cause unpleasant psychological side effects. It has proved far more effective for us to convert the memories into a slightly different sort of experience — a doctor’s appointment, for example, or a job interview.

As for billing, we have a number of options available to suit our customers’ needs. Many, not wanting to leave electronic records of their financial dealings, choose to pay for their Abduction Experience in cash; in these cases we incorporate a remembered event costing the same as the AE into the implantation. (Some of the more common scenarios are “Weekend in Tiajuana” and “Plumbing Disaster.”)

In cases where a customer chooses a payment method with more records involved, we frequently route the bill through one of our (registered and fully legal) subsidiaries. Dozens of homeowners have happily paid the bill that they received from Obvious Front Co. (Stucco, Brickface, and Vinyl Siding Custom Installed) without ever giving it a second thought!

Thanks for asking!

On the Fence asked us:

How can you possibly poke fun at the more than 2 million alleged abductees in this nation alone? Where can I send you my entire life savings?

Congratulations, On the Fence -

You’ve cut right to the heart of the matter: the two million alleged alien abductees that you refer to (and that is considered a conservative estimate by some) represent less than one percent of the population of the United States. (281.4 million, according to the 2000 census.) We at Alien Abductions Incorporated must contine to provide our services to the public until something is done about this great statistical imbalance.

As for your life savings, we appreciate—but can not in good conscience accept—your generous offer. You should feel free, however, to invest some of that money in our fine products and services!