Alien Abductions Incorporated  >>  Corporate Blog

An aspiring author asked us:

Dear Sirs/Madams,

I have written a full-length book on my encounter with aliens. Can you tell me where I can send my manuscript for publication?

We are sorry to have to tell you this, but the U.S. publishing industry is virtually bankrupt. They simply can’t afford to produce any books that don’t feature the dark secrets of small towns in Maine, young southern lawyers, or Modern Science Run Amok.

Not to worry, though, as your book would almost certainly have been suppressed by the World Government, which (of course) has a vested interest in keeping stories like yours from becoming public knowledge.

The best advice that we can offer is to try selling it to small publishing houses that specialize in topics that fall outside the mainstream. As a rule, they don’t really expect to make any money anyway.

We wish you the best of luck in your endeavor.

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

J.H. asks us:

Saw your website, I’m an alien and I think these humans abducted me and put me in this 5×5 cube and made me program in C all day… Can you get me out of here and back to Rigel 5 where I belong??

Dear J.H. -

We’re pleased to hear that your AAI Abduction Experience (Custom Implantation) is going so well! Making the jump from “abductee” to “alien trapped in a human body” was a challenging one for our scenario designers, but it appears that it was well worth the effort.

It is important to remember at this point that you insisted on the 5×5 cubicle and C programming elements of your AAI AE(CI), and that however you may feel about them now they do have a positive influence on later elements.

At any rate, sub-heading G2 of your Abduction Experience should begin soon, and we all know how much you were looking forward to that! We hope you enjoy the rest of your Abduction Experience, and remember—studies show that your experience may be enhanced by the purchase of AAI promotional products!

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

K.R.S of Van Wert, OH asks us:

Can I have one of my cats abducted? Rocky and Yum Yum are okay cats, but Ali Qat has been a floor pooper from the word go. Lately she’s abandoned using the basement floor in favor of the upstairs carpet. I feel that an abduction experience might convince her to return to using the basement floor as the pooping place of choice. (I harbor no hope that she will ever use a litter box for solid waste.)

K.R.S. -

For the record, Alien Abductions Incorporated does not now and has not at any time in the past condoned the testing or use of any of our proprietary techniques or procedures on animals. Such practices would be morally indefensible, and would also be unlikely to provide any useful data regarding human reactions to scenario implantation. Furthermore, the differences in neuronal periodicity between species would make creating an Abduction Experience scenario for non-human use extremely difficult, and certainly make such a scenario unstable in its final implementation.

To be clear, our settlements of certain legal actions were in no way an acknowledgment of wrongdoing (regardless of representations made in the mainstream media), but rather an effort to allow both our customers and our legal team to focus on more important issues.

As for your specific problem, while type-R (instrumental) conditioning is not generally recognized to be effective when applied to cats, it would appear that at this point you have little to lose by making the effort—any change at all that you can effect in Ali Qat’s behavior is likely to be an improvement.

Good luck!

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

As anyone who has visited our main facility knows, Alien Abductions, Incorporated allocates a significant portion of our available financial and human resources to to the maintenance and enhancement of our Ufology and Para-abductology library.

Some of our clients are surprised by this: to an individual seeking only a simple Abduction Experience™ scenario implantation, the time and money that we spend acquiring, archiving, and analyzing documents such as this 1952 USAF/Intelligence document on the “Flying Saucers Problem” or this 1949 OSI memo on UFO observation distribution patterns may seem ill spent.

In fact, this investment is what allows AAI to hold its leadership position in the field. It ensures that our scenario designers have all the information required to build a consistent, convincing scenario at their fingertips; it keeps our research staff in constant communication with independent researchers and government officials, keeping us abreast of every development as it occurs; and it allows us to actively contribute to the collaborative environment that has long characterized work in para-abductology and related disciplines.

Consider this: month after month “UFO” appears at the top of the list of the most frequently searched terms on the CIA’s Freedom of Information Act Web page. Putting aside the fact that the Central Intelligence Agency is not most appropriate starting point for this sort of research, it is clear there is very significant public interest in this area, and we consider it critical that the public have access to both the primary source information and informed, insightful analysis. Hence our focus on developing our library.

While you will hear more on this topic in coming months from sources better informed than I, also note that we will soon be taking full advantage of the tools of the Internet age: as evidenced by the “hyperlinks” that have been added above, Alien Abductions, Incorporated will be digitizing much of our library in order to provide the public with simple, Internet-based access to this essential body of documents.

I look forward to the perspectives and insights that are sure to follow as we join together to push the work forward.

Hamilton J. Symmes
Director of Para-abductological Research

In coming months I will be writing occasional entries for this Web log covering our research, as well as analysis of relevant or interesting current news items as they occur. I hope that you will find them both interesting and useful as a basis for your own work.

Gary asks us:

I was surfing the net last week when I happened upon your site; intrigued, I chose to investigate. When I saw your Abductilizer [sic] I jumped at the chance of such an experience but I was disappointed to find out that I only received a score of 4.15 and that you believed that I thought you were part of the conspiracy. Could this have anything to do with me being British?

Well despite my let down, I’m back to prove to you that I want to embrace your trust–however, I’m not sure if I actually want any memories implanted yet. Anyway, here’s my question: as I have no doubts that you have actually seen aliens, I would like to know if there are any aliens out there that are literally little green men?

You are a remarkably perceptive individual, Gary!

As a matter of fact, your Personal Abduction Analysis Factor (as calculated by the Abductalizer On-Line Interface) may very well have something to do with you being British!

During an on-site, full-spectrum Abductalizer session, the equipment is adjusted over a period of several hours to compensate for the cultural, ethno-political, and socio-economic characteristics of the subject. In developing the Abductalizer On-Line Interface, however, we discovered that both the number of questions required and the amount of processing time involved in reproducing this process were prohibitive. Hence, the Abductalizer On-Line Interface is not 100% accurate, and yours may have been one of the very small number of inaccurate readings.

On the other hand, perhaps your PAAF was correct, and you are just not being honest with yourself about your innermost beliefs…

As for your other question: we here at AAI feel that any chromatitypical data that we may have accumulated about extraterrestrial life forms is really beside the point. Our goal is not to burden customers with all of our our knowledge, but rather to use that knowledge to provide our customers with the Abduction Experiences that best meet their individual needs.

If you do decide to further explore the possibility of an Abduction Experience—or if you just have more questions—we hope that you’ll contact us again!

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

Leigh asks us:

Hello, my name is Leigh and I was wondering if there is any truth to the x-files? I loved the show, and everything about it! I was wondering if any of the topics are real life stories?

To provide you with a complete and accurate answer to your question, Leigh, we thought it best to consult one of our contacts at the FBI. She reported to us that the majority of her time is spent investigating health care fraud, and that she “would never hear anything about aliens or conspiracies unless they intended to defraud Medicare.” She pointed out that most Special Agents are “basically just lawyers or accountants with carry permits,” and then offered to mail us some brochures explaining the role of the FBI in today’s society.

Two days later, three of our Urban Field Offices were burglarized. The only items taken were computer hard drives and file printouts. Local law enforcement has informed us that they believe that these burglaries were part of a series of such crimes committed by a major organized crime family. The investigation is being conducted by the FBI. The FBI says they’ll let us know as soon as they have any answers for us.

Thanks a lot for your question, Leigh.

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

Today we are pleased to bring you the first installment of our new blog feature: the Customer Forum! AAI customers tell you about their experiences, everything from designing their own custom Abduction Experience™ scenarios to tips on setting up and running a successful local Abduction Experience™ group.

C.S. writes:

Since I can’t really remember any of what happened, I have to go by the fact that when I woke up my toenails had been cut painfully short. In fact, I can’t remember any of this stuff even under hypnosis. I don’t think I have any implants. I’m going to build one of Michael Menkin’s Thought Screen Helmets and once I’m free of them, I’ll come see you guys and get a good one implanted.

Some additional commentary is in order:

As C.S. notes, be careful when incorporating repetition into your custom scenario. While in a literary context repetition can be a powerful tool for developing mood and themes in a narrative, its in-memory effects can be very different, and less engaging than one might hope. Rather than strict repetition, consider a “theme and variations” approach: by adding new elements to each abduction after the first, you create an experience that evolves over time. (And remember that our “time release implantation” add-on is particularly effective for these sorts of scenarios.)

Also, take C.S.’ guidance seriously: while our doctors, hypnotists, and memory implant technicians can meet your ongoing memory suppression needs (i.e. eliminating your memories of specified post-implantation events and actions as they occur), this elimination process may impair your ability to drive a car, operate heavy machinery, and/or perform basic personal hygiene functions. If your custom scenario depends upon this technique, ensure that you make appropriate arrangements based on your Implantation Team’s scenario guidelines document.

Finally, while we fully support the DIY empowerment associated with Thought Screen Helmets and similar third-party products, remember that what matters is that you really believe that your thoughts are protected—and no one is more qualified to help you tailor and refine your personal beliefs than Alien Abductions, Incorporated.

Would you like to submit material for an upcoming Customer Forum?
Contact us: feedback@alienabductions.com

J.F asks us:

Just curious, how do you guys make money?

An excellent question, J.F., and one that comes up more frequently than you might think!

“With all the money that you clearly put into research and development,” our customers ask, “and the very reasonable rates that you charge for your outstanding products and services, how can you afford to stay in business? Why, now you even provide free on-line access to the Abductalizer!”

Well, our first concern must always be ensuring that our higly advanced techniques and technologies are always used responsibly. While AAI has received numerous funding offers from both public and private entities, we feel that is currently in the best interests of the general public for us to operate without obligation to anyone but our customers!

And while (as many of you have suggested) we have considered taking Alien Abductions Incorporated public, that is a step that we are not quite ready to take—but watch our corporate blog and news page in coming months for more on that subject…

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

Chris S. asks us:

Will the T-shirt protect me from the Scanner Rays???

No, Chris, nothing can protect you from the Scanner Rays.

Keep an eye on our corporate blog and special offers pages, though: we periodically offer packaging specials on t-shirt purchases, including special protective coverings that prevent the Postal Service scanners from identifying your purchase and logging it in their database.

This covering can be recycled into headgear that may aid in deflecting scanner rays, brain scans, satellite photography, and other unwanted intrusions on your privacy.

Have a question that only Alien Abductions, Incorporated can answer?
Email your question to questions@alienabductions.com or call our Q&A telephone hotline at (206) 333-0013!

Two news items of note have come up in the past week. First, as part of their thoughtful series on “UFO Travel,” the Web site Jaunted.com noted the alien abduction room in Osaka, Japan’s Hotel Loire.

While the hotel’s needs required that many elements of the room be less subtle that we often like to see, it nevertheless represents how effectively AAI’s talented scenario and environment designers can turn a client’s vision into vibrant reality.

Our Japanese customers can expect to see some new Abduction Experience™ scenarios coming out soon to take advantage of this great new resource in Osaka! (And yes, we agree that Star Wars was a poor choice for the standard video feed—AAI customers can expect to enjoy one of our pre-impantation conditioning videos, or other video from our para-abductology library archives.)

Our second news item is unfortunately less positive, but extremely important nonetheless: Dr. Roger Leir’s keynote presentation at New Zealand’s prestigious UFOCUS conference was rather poorly received.

Once again we must emphasize: any clients who choose to sign up for the lecture tour add-on to supplement their Abduction Experience™ must be sure to limit their presentations to include exclusively the implanted information and supplemental presentation materials.

While we’re pleased to see the degree of confidence inspired by our implanted materials, please remember that our presentations (and your memories of the associated public speaking) are created by experienced professionals. Diverging from the set presentation may result in an inconsistent, unconvincing, or wildly erratic performance, and as lecture tour participants are booked for high-profile, quality events, your audience will see the difference.

Check back next week for more AAI news of the week!
A new question and answer coming up Monday!